Marriage is hard.

Yes, I jumped right in today.  No small talk. No writing until my subject came to mind. Nope. Just pick up the pen and go.  But seriously, let me add some more perspective to that.  Marriage is a journey of ebbs and flows.  Yes, some people make it sound easy. And I’m positive that those relationships do exist. I truly believe that.

Some people married from a healthy place. Some people married knowing who they were. They knew what they truly desired.  Some people married from a place of high self-esteem, good boundaries, and high self-worth. Some married having had great marital role models growing up.

But some of us didn’t.

Some of us married in our brokenness.  Full of unhealed trauma. And that trauma attracted our partner.  It’s what made us magnets for each other—our trauma bond. Those bonds sealed us together.  It’s like two puzzle pieces that come together and fit perfectly.

No, friend. Pieces matching up perfectly does not only happen in ‘good’ marriages.  Puzzle pieces can indeed fit together in not-so-great marriages too.  You may look at two people together and believe that their marriage is terrible. What were they thinking?  You may feel that they are complete opposites.  But…

In actuality, their pieces fit together with ease.  Like a match made in heaven.  Where she is broken, he may have a piece that fits that spot perfectly—filling the gap to create the connection.

And that’s okay. What starts off as broken doesn’t have to remain that way.  And prayerfully, I hope it doesn’t. Those pieces may ultimately change shape as God molds them into new people.  As they rise up and recognize their deficiencies…the emptiness, the brokenness…the need for something MORE may inspire them to seek change.  

Not necessarily collectively, but even individually.  In fact, my marriage changed most when I decided to work on ME. I told my therapist that I had no desire to discuss my husband anymore.  My only desire was to work on the person that I could control…ME.

In my willingness to solely work on the woman in the mirror, so much changed. In fact, I now am living proof of the saying that ‘when YOU change, everything AROUND you changes.’  So true.  And I know that as I continue to evolve, so will my entire world.  

I am magnetic.  Influential. Always have been.  So why wouldn’t my internal shifts have external power. Duh?

(sidenote: You are magnetic too.)

However, I do occasionally have a bit of trouble with this ego of mine.  She (yes, I said she. I gave her a name  – “Shanita.”) keeps flaring up.  I tell her at least 10 times a day to pipe down.  But I know she’s just there acting up as. God’s way of showing me I still have work to do on the inside. That’s the power of triggers.  They show up where there is a sore spot. An unhealed wound.   An unresolved issue.  Something lingering.

And so…I guess marriage isn’t really that hard. Maybe it’s the inner work that’s tough. Perhaps my marriage just reflects some things within ME. Because (unpopular opinion), I’m responsible for everything any man does to me.

[Disclaimer – I digress in situations like rape, abuse, etc.]

But yes, I am responsible.   A man can only do what. I allow.  So when I reflect back on every negative act in my marriage or any male relationship, I ask myself…what is it in me that allowed me to be cheated on? What made me available to be used and abused?

If I blamed it on the man and don’t take my personal responsibility and move right on to the next man, it will happen again. The specific man is just a variable. And I’ll replace him with another man that’s almost the same… because he is just a variable.

The greatest problem to solve is the one within me.

When I change who I am at my core, I change what I am available for energetically. The things of the past no longer find me because we are no longer an energetic match. I am a magnet for things at a higher frequency because I vibrate differently.

Make sense?

Well, it makes d*mn good sense to me. That’s why mind my business…because the solutions I’m seeking in this phase of life are within me.  I’m just unlocking the gate and letting them in.

LISTEN… God gave me this blogging assignment for me. I thought it was for you, but girlfriend this is for me. I feel good right now after finishing this. So let me go continue my day. But first… quick question.

What are you blaming someone else but maybe need to realize you are the problem?

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My Mission

My mission is to help women overcome so that they can become. We possess the power to overcome anything that stands in the way of us living our best, most bold, most intentional life and becoming everything that we’ve ever desired for our lives. That comes with doing some work, but the work is where the magic happens. You have to show up, do the work and allow the magic to happen.

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Until next time, I leave you with light, love, and high vibrations! Toodles. Talk soon.

Marriage issues